IC Journal

[willing_sheath]

CANON TIMELINE

September 1845--Born
(June 1849--Kenshin born)
May 1854--Enishi is born, mother dies, Tomoe age 8/9
Spring 1862--betrothed to Kiysatto Akira, marriage set for Spring 1863, Tomoe age 16/17, Enishi age 6/7
Fall 1862--Kiyosatto joins Mimawari-gumi, wedding delayed to Spring 1864, Tomoe age 17, Enishi age 7
(Early 1863--Kenshin quarrels with Hiko and leaves, joins Kiheitai and is taken to Kyoto with Katsura Kogoro, Kenshin age 13/14)

1864
Early March--Kiyosatto is killed in Kyoto
April 4th--news of Kiyosatto's death arrives from Kyoto
Mid-April--Tomoe runs away to Kyoto
Late April--Tomoe arrives in Kyoto and is found by the Yaminobu
Early May--Meets Kenshin and is brought to the Kohagiya
Mid-May--discussion of "madness" with Katsura Kogoro
Late May--window incident, "now a sheath to hold back your madness"
June 5th--Ikedaya Affair
July 18th--Kinmon Incident
Late July--Kenshin and Tomoe are married and go into hiding outside Otsu, Tomoe age 18, Kenshin age 15
Late December--Enishi arrives in Otsu
December 31st--Tomoe dies, Tomoe age 19, Kenshin age 15, Enishi age 10

Comments

Canon Entries

[willing_sheath]

Spring 1862

[willing_sheath]

For some time now I have wondered whether Father intended to marry me out with Mother gone. There is a part of me that would be perfectly comfortable with the idea in the face of the unknown. So often we do not know our husbands before we are wed and i have heard so many horror stories of what comes after a girl has gone to her husband's home.

I never thought that I could feel the joy that I do now at my betrothal, and I can only imagine that this is Father's gift to me after so many years struggling to raise Enishi by myself. I do not know the last time I have felt this degree of happiness. I have been betrothed to Kiyosatto Akira-sama. I never once considered that we might be matched. I had never dared to hope when there are so many other matches that would benefit the Yukishiro family more. Surely Father knows how deeply I care for him. i never thought I would look to marriage with anything other than trepidation, but I find myself elated. Kiyosatto-sama was allowed to tell me himself, and it is just another mark of his character that he asked me to marry him rather than simply telling me of the match. All I could do was stare at him in awe, my joy and surprise were so great that they wiped my mind clean of any words I wished to say. He offered me a delicate and simple kanzashi and the only response I could give was to take it and bow. Even now, when I try to speak my words catch in my throat. Why it is like this I will never know. This is the only place my words can flow freely.

We will be married next spring. I am elated.

Spring 1862

[willing_sheath]

Enishi has not taken the news of my engagement well. It is no surprise. To him I am more of a mother than a sister, and no child will take losing their mother easily, even if I will move to a home close by. Regardless, I would not have expected such a tantrum from him at six* years old. I wonder if it is a failing on my part in raising him, but he has always been a willful child. He has a year to become accustomed to the idea. I wonder if this will cause him to cling to me even more than he already does.

Fall 1862

[willing_sheath]

Kiyosatto-sama has chosen to delay our marriage.

Were it a matter of honor or pride in serving the Shogun and the bakufu perhaps I would not feel as distressed as I do... but it is because of me. He believes I am dissatisfied with our betrothal and that I am ashamed to be marrying only a second son. It could not possibly be further from the truth, but I do not know what I can say to prove that to him. Every time I try my words stick in my throat. If only I could smile or laugh, perhaps then he would believe me, but I simply cannot do it. He intends to join the Mimawari-gumi in the defense of Kyoto to prove himself a warrior of merit so that I will be proud to marry him. I want to beg him to stay, but I fear insulting his pride as a man. He has never been bothered by my manner before. That is one of the aspects that has made me love him so. I know it stems from his own love for me, that all he wishes is to make me happy--but how is it that he cannot see that I already am?

Fall 1862

[willing_sheath]

Kiyosatto-sama departed for Kyoto this morning. I maintained a brave face even as I felt my heart breaking. It took everything in me to hold back my tears and keep from begging him to stay, but I could not send him off with such a shameful display. I wanted him to go knowing that I am proud of him and will support his decisions as a good wife would.

I watched him go, all the while hoping he would turn back even though I knew he wouldn't. I stayed watching the road long after he was out of sight, unable to pull myself away from the road. I didn't leave until Father sent Enishi to bring me home.

It will be more than a year and a half until I see Kiyosatto-sama again. I do not know how I will bear it. Even his shortest visit has been enough to keep my morale afloat no matter how difficult things have been. To go from the promise daily life with him to losing even those small stolen moments, I am simply beside myself.

Fall 1862-Winter 1863

[willing_sheath]

I have taken to writing Kiyosatto-sama nearly every day, though there is not much to relay to him most days, aside from assuring him of my love. I am sure to lace each letter with a tiny drop of my perfume so that it smells like me. I hope that if he misses me enough maybe he will come back sooner...

March 1864

[willing_sheath]

I have not received a letter from Kiyosatto-sama in over a week. A few days between correspondence isn't uncommon, but he has never left them go for this long. I can't help the dread that has begun to sink in on me, especially not with the stories coming out of the capital.

I am terrified of what this may mean. I am terrified that I may never see him again...

April 4th 1864

[willing_sheath]

Today news arrived from Kyoto of Kiyosato Akira-sama's murder. I can hardly believe it and am filled with regret that I did not stop him from leaving--but it's too late now. It's all too late. I haven't cried, not yet. It isn't completely real yet... I want to believe it is a nightmare and that I will wake from it at any moment... even though I know I won't.

He was killed during the assassination of Shigekura Jyuubei along with a second retainer. It is believed they fell victim to an assassin of the Choshuu or Satsuma clans.

It is my fault. It is all my fault... I should have stopped him. I should have begged him to stay. I should have ignored all propriety and pleaded with him even if it brought shame on us... at least he would still be here.

Anything would have been better than this...

April 1864

[willing_sheath]

I have not spoken since the news came. I cannot bring myself to. Speaking was difficult for me before and not it is impossible. I cannot bring myself to engage in anything. What is the point when none of it matters? Nothing matters anymore...

I remember how Father was after Mother died. I do not remember him speaking for weeks afterward. He couldn't bring himself to even look at Enishi until he was a year old. I can't help but wonder if this is why...

Enishi doesn't understand. He can't understand. He wails and clings to me, demanding my attention, wanting me to be normal again... to be happy... But my happiness died in Kyoto with him.

April 1864

[willing_sheath]

I have overheard the other women speaking about me... of the cold Yukishiro girl who didn't cry when the news of her betrothed death was delivered to her. They blame me for his death as much as I blame myself. "It was her pride that drove him to Kyoto. He only went to make her happy. She wasn't satisfied with the match because of his low status. She must be glad that he is gone."

I did not know that I could feel this much pain and anger at once... to boil with rage while being paralyzed with guilt. Because it is my fault. My inaction killed him just as much as the hitokiri did...

April 1864

[willing_sheath]

Everything is a reminder of him. There are pieces of him around every corner. Every minute is torture. Every breath breeds pain. I cannot stand the false sympathy offered by the other women who offer condolences to my face and then damn me to my back.

I don't want to be here anymore. I want to go to him... to follow him to the next life... but what will become of Father and Enishi without me?

I am a wretched woman for even thinking of it.

April 1864

[willing_sheath]

His mother offered me his kaiken today, saying that he would want me to have it. I wonder how she could bear to look at the face of the woman who drove her son to his death. I took it. And I will keep it close to me at all times...

I want to go to him. I cannot stop thinking about it. I want to go to where he breathed his last... to Kyoto... I want answers... I want to know who did this... I need somewhere to focus this blame an regret outside of myself... or I will go mad...

April 1864

[willing_sheath]

It is done. I left early this morning before Father or Enishi woke. I want to believe that Father will understand and I pray that he will be able accept my leaving. Enishi is a different story entirely. I fear he will act out as badly as he did when my engagement was first announced and without me there to calm him I do not know what will happen. My sweet, devoted little brother...

I have not attracted a lot of attention yet, though I imagine it will be inevitable as a woman traveling alone. I'm sure it will only be a matter of time and I would be a liar if I claimed I was not afraid. Still, any fear I might have felt is lost in comparison to the pain and emptiness Kiyosatto-sama has left...

April 1864

[willing_sheath]

I have arrived in Kyoto.

I do not know what I expected of the city. It is vastly different from Edo just by sight alone. Kiyosatto-sama had told me of the capitol and his own thoughts of it. Once I may have marveled at everything... but it is as though all the color has drained from the world and I cannot find any way to make myself care. I only want to be where he was. To see what he saw... To touch the place he fell and maybe feel some part of him still there.

Maybe then I will feel alive again... or will find enough resolve to join him.

April 1864

[willing_sheath]

My inquiries have been noticed. I am uncertain of what attention I have attracted.

I found the place where Kiyosatto-sama was killed, beneath a tsubaki tree and it was there a man spoke to me, though he was hidden from sight. "If you wish to know the identity of your fiance's killer be there at sunset tomorrow..." and as those words were spoken a dart embedded itself in the tree with a note tied to the shaft. It contains directions to a location outside of the city.

I don't know what I have attracted but I can only imagine that danger is involved, much more than that of a woman traveling alone. This will draw me into the violence here more than I have been already... in a way I may not survive. But how can I not respond to an offer that will give me exactly what I wanted when I left Edo?

April 1864

[willing_sheath]

The Yaminobu--onmitsu serving the bakufu. That's why they are.I went to the meeting place where there were four men waiting. I was terrified, but I believe my expression remained even. That is my one strength... I can effortlessly hide my fear and sadness... but at the cost of everything else...

Kiyosatto-sama was killed by a Choshuu assassin thus far known as Hitokiri Battousai. He is considered to be the Choshuu clan's biggest strength. He has been actively killing for the clan for approximately six months and his kills already number in triple digits. He is too strong to attack directly and so they want to to use me to find his weakness. If I throw my lot in with them then they will take my revenge. They will put me in his path and then I am to remain close and observe him--to learn his weaknesses, and when the time is right they will send a contact to me so that I can report back to them.

When I left Edo I was unsure whether or not I wished to continue to live... These are not good men, and I have seen their faces. If I refuse they will kill me. If I agree, when they are finished with me they will kill me. If I agree and am discovered by the Choshuu, the Choshuu will kill me.

My life is forfeit.

April 1864

[willing_sheath]

Hitokiri Battousai. The demon of Kyoto. It's said that his hair has been dyed red by the blood of his kills. He bears a single long scar on his left cheek--that mark was left by Kiyosatto-sama. He was the only one thus far to place a single mark on this killer's body. I am proud of him for that...

I do not know what to expect from this monster. I do not know that I will be able to maintain control when I finally see him. How do they expect me to get close to him? No, that is a foolish question. I know exactly what they expect. Tatsumi said as much when he told me my methods would not be judged or questioned. I cannot imagine doing such a thing. The mere thought disgusts me. Perhaps I will not need to worry about my fate with Yaminobu at all. I will simply die by Battousai's hand the same as Kiyosatto-sama because I cannot hold myself back.

They have directed me to a certain pub that he is said to frequent. I should have my first glimpse of him tonight.

May 1864

[willing_sheath]

I am inside of an inn operating as a Choshuu base... So much has happened in the last day I do not know where I begin. so much has happened in only the last few hours... my mind is a blur and I have no idea what to think or believe anymore...

I went to the pub I was instructed to go to and I saw him almost immediately... but it seemed as though I couldn't possibly be right. The man with the red hair was barely a man at all, but a boy who had to just barely be past genpuku. I thought that surely I was mistaken--until I saw the scar. It runs from high on his cheek bone nearly to the corner of his mouth. It was too distinctive paired with the hair to be a coincidence. I sat with my back to him at the next table, with no idea how to put myself in his path as anything more than a passing glance. I had caught the attention of seemingly every patron of the pub aside from him just being a woman drinking alone. That fact solved the puzzle for me.

It wasn't more than a few minutes from my arrival that two drunks forced their way into my space, demanding my attention. A simple demand for me to pour their sake, claiming I owed them as the Aizu Ishin Shishi fighting for the commoners. Someone in the room called them fools because Aizu is allied with the bakufu and they became more belligerent, preparing to draw their swords. I was frozen, mere inches away and powerless with drunkards possibly capable of anything... They stopped, saying how it was a close call for someone when the room went silent to their visual threat--or maybe it's because they saw him move. He was in front of them in an instant and blocked the ringleader's draw with his palm when he tried to draw again when he spoke. The words are burned in my mind, "It certainly was. If you had drawn that sword you would have been fighting me." But it wasn't his words that had the impact, it was the presence radiating from him. Despite his stature, the menace toward the men who had threatened us was palpable, and they fled like scurrying rats.

He said nothing more to any of us, only paid his bill and apologized to the proprietor for causing a scene.

I simply could not process what I had just experienced. How could this possibly have been the demon I was told about who had killed one hundred men? How could this be the monster who murdered Kiyosatto-sama? How could it be when he had just saved me from what could have easily led to molestation or worse?

I followed him. No longer because it was what the Yaminobu had ordered me to do, but because I needed to know those answers. I had been led to believe Battousai was a bloodthirsty killer. It had to be a mistake...

But the truth of it was made perfectly clear to me.

I felt the warmth hit my face and soak through my kimono without realizing what had just happened before me. I began speaking before it solidified in my mind. "I followed you to thank you for what you did," and mid-sentence it came into focus. I had walked onto the scene of a duel. It was one of the Yaminobu--Murakami, the one armed with chained swords--and Battousai. I had come in close enough that I was sprayed by Murakami's blood when he was killed. Battousai was staring at me in utter shock at my presence while I somehow continued to speak even as the sight of the blood and the repugnant coppery smell filled my nose in a way that overwhelmed my senses. "They say at tragic scenes a rain of blood falls--but you truly made it rain blood."

I felt myself pass out from the sight of all the blood and I did not expect to wake up again. Not only had I seen his face, but I'd seen him kill. There was no way I could be left alive...

And yet I did wake again... and was completely unharmed. I was alone in a room with him. He was barely a yard from me, propped against the wall asleep, his sword resting against his shoulder like a lifeline. Even with what I'd seen it was difficult to remember I had watched him kill a man. I did not wake him. Instead I moved on to try to discover where he had taken me.

It is an inn--the Kohagiya--and when I found my way down to the kitchens my presence was barely questioned, simply "Ah, you're the girl Himura-san brought home last night." Again the fact that I cannot show my emotions properly has been a strength. I do not think my agitation came through. Okami-san, the proprietor's wife, put me to work in the kitchen almost immediately, and I welcomed it. The busy work and illusion of normalcy allowed me to sort through my thoughts or at least stave off panic.

He came charging down to the kitchens in search of Okami-san when he woke, likely to ask her of my whereabouts. She seems to know the comings and goings of everyone who passes through the building. It is something to remember.

His real name is Himura Kenshin. He is awkward. Very unlike the man I saw last night, as though he doesn't quite know how to interact with people unless a sword is involved. Or, perhaps, it is simply because he is trying to interact with me. I am well aware that I unnerve people with my bluntness and seriousness. In another time, another place, or if he were anyone else, perhaps I would feel guilt for that, but all things considered I have no reason to curb my aloofness, especially when it is my only real protection here.

I will be staying in his room. That is simply the design of it. I already know half the men here believe me to be a samurai daughter sold into prostitution, either 'working' or run away. Before the idea being in this room would have terrified me, but I can tell already that I have nothing to fear. Mere innuendo from the other men turns him to a sputtering mess... and I can't imagine someone putting a stop to crass behavior only to repeat it himself. This is where he was finally able to corner me to make his demands. Simply put: to forget what I saw and leave. I asked if he would silence me as he had the other man if I didn't. He was indignant at the suggestion, spouting about how he would only strike down men bearing swords for the shogunate. "And if I held a sword right now, would you?" I stunned him into silence. I left him there with that question hanging in the air and told him to let me know when he had an answer.

I imagine I should be giving myself a similar line of questioning.

I have already lost my resolve to carry out this plot. I can feel it. I think I lost it the moment I saw him and he wasn't what I expected. Only more so with his actions at the pub and again after I witnessed him kill. Even if he is the man who killed Kiyosatto-sama, I don't know that I can be the instrument of his death--but what can I do? They are watching me as they were watching him. If I leave they will know and they will find me... so what other choice do I have than to stay? I am such a fool... only days ago I felt as though I longed for death... and now I fear it. Or is it that I fear it being taken from my control?

I don't know...

May 1864

[willing_sheath]

It has been two weeks. It is somewhat disturbing to me how easily it is to fall into a routine of work for the inn, though I imagine it isn't so different from life in Edo as I had done much the same in our home. Always it has been survival first and everything else later. Kiyosatto-sama's death has been the only time where it wasn't so.

If I didn't know who these people were it would be very easy to see them as any other common men. Put them in a group and it is always the same--bawdy humor with little care as to who is in the room. They have said little to me aside from pleasantries. Perhaps it would be different if I wasn't seen as "Himura's woman". There is that much respect at least. Some of them try to joke with Himura-san in regard to me. He flusters and bristles each time and I can't help but find it amusing with the contrast of the image in my mind to the reality. And then that becomes unsettling as well. How on earth could this... boy have found himself in this position? Surely he was still a child when he was brought into this clan... thirteen or fourteen at the oldest. How long has he been killing? Why did he start? It makes no sense to me, and even with the proof all around me and having seen the evidence with my own eyes I still find myself questioning the validity of who he is. He is soft spoken and unimposing. There is a gentleness about him when he isn't trying to be purposefully off-putting.

I can tell when he's had an assignment. His demeanor changes. He doesn't speak much to begin with, but it is a comfortable sort of silence. After he has killed it is different. There is a weight about him that I can almost feel in the air. He will stand for hours washing his hands over and over despite the fact that there is nothing on them. I have stood and watched him several times now and he ignores me, or tries to. Perhaps he feels me judging him, or trying to. The last time I asked him if he intended to just keep killing like this and the only answer he gave was to plunge his hands back into the water and continue scrubbing at his hands.

I imagine I should feel some sort of satisfaction seeing that he is tormented by his actions... but I don't. I can't help feeling as though I'm looking at someone trapped... What is wrong with me? He is a killer. A murderer. He has killed over one hundred men including Kiyosatto-sama. What sort of woman am I that I can look at him with anything other than hatred?

May 1864

[willing_sheath]

I was visited by the leader of the Choshuu clan. Katsura Kogoro.

Like everything else, I do not know what to think. I assumed he was in search of Himura-san but he in fact wished to speak to me. He claimed afterward that it was for me to understand what the Ishin Shishi were doing.

He said that the driving force of the Choshu faction is "madness". To build a new era they must first tear down the old, and that they must "be mad enough not to turn away from their extreme justice." Their "tenchuu".

He called Himura=san their "vanguard of madness" and that his role was the harshest of all... and again all I could think was how young he must have been when this man took him in. That they would put such a role on a child when even a seasoned bushi would find difficulty in the actions... This man and his lofty words of a new era of peace will be content to build it upon a foundation of corpses with the damned soul of a child-murderer as the mortar. I wonder now if he looks at Himura-san and sees a person at all, or if he only sees a weapon to be used and replaced once it breaks.

"I only wish for you to understand what we're doing here." No. He wants something from me. Exactly what, I don't know. Or perhaps I am having more of an affect on Himura-san than I think. Perhaps I am putting chips into the blade of his brandished sword. I will be damned if I allow him to use me for anything. I will not help a man who would so easily turn a child into a murderer.

May 1864

[willing_sheath]

Himura-san nearly killed me tonight. It was my own fault, I've grown too comfortable around him, just as someone will cut themselves with a knife if they become too lax.

He was asleep in the window again. I have made mention to him that he will fall ill if he continues to do that, especially with how loose he wears his kimono, but he has ignored me. I had mother's shawl wrapped around me and I didn't think twice about the motion. I took it and moved to cover him with it. It never occurred to me that just the rustle of cloth would wake him or that he would startle so violently from sleep.

His sword was at my throat before I knew he had even woken and the expression on his face... in that moment he was a completely different person. In that moment I saw the demon of Kyoto. I saw Hitokiri Battousai.

And just as quickly he blocked his blade with his opposite hand and pushed me away before turning in on himself, gasping and holding his sword arm back with his opposite hand as though it might choose to attack me again all on its own. And the look on his face then... I have seen that look before, that look of fear and hopelessness at the edge of losing one's self. I'd seen it on Father's face after Mother died when he became too overwhelmed to function. It was a look I know too well...

I imagine most people would flee if something like this had happened to them, but I was frozen to the spot, too caught up by his reaction to contemplate my own. He begged me to leave. If I stayed with him he would end up hurting me... and I thought "No... regardless of awaits me outside, if I leave you now that's what you'll become..." Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe whatever good is in him is strong enough to withstand the weight of what they are making him do... but I can't do that. I don't want to see that first man I met disappear. The one who stopped bloodshed without even drawing his sword... the one who brought a witness to murder back to safety rather than silencing her or leaving her unguarded on the street. And if I leave him now that is what will happen. Himura-san will disappear and all that will be left will be Battousai.

If the plot I became a part of was to kill Battousai... maybe this is the same? Not to kill the murderer but to save the man behind him? I don't know... But I refuse to leave him to be swallowed whole by Choshuu's 'madness'. If he is only seen as a sword by the others then I will be its sheath.

Someone has to.

June 1864

[willing_sheath]

It has been a week since the incident at the window. Himura-san has relaxed around me considerably. I don't know that it is because he has simply accepted the fact that I refuse to leave or if it is because I did not shrink away from him that time. I have continued to watch from my place among the inn staff and my earlier thoughts of the other men seeing him as a weapon are not so far off. They will try now and then to interact but his demeanor is almost as off-putting as mine, but where my directness merely causes discomfort and confusion his is met with fear. It is as though they think he might harm them if they say the wrong thing. It makes me wonder if they are blind to think that he would, or perhaps it is a matter of rumor taking the place of reality. The only actual violence I have seen from him has been in self defense or toward whoever's name is inside the black envelopes delivered by Izuka-san.

But most people are blind. Most believe what they wish to believe and refuse to look further than the surface.

June 6th 1864

[willing_sheath]

Yesterday the Ikedaya--a secret meeting place of the Ishin Shishi--was raided by the Shinsengumi.

I cannot claim to have an allegiance with the Ishin Shishi or the bakufu for that matter. I have seen evil done on both sides. There is no such thing as a good side or bad side--there are only people. As such my only thoughts go to Himura-san and how he will be affected as well as myself. I wonder what would have happened if it had been the Kohagiya that had been attacked instead and where I would fall in the mix. Executed as a traitor alongside the rest of them? Would I be believed if I told them of the Yaminobu?

The inn is in chaos. Like ants that have had their hill disturbed. I am scared now. I am surrounded by enemies on all sides, even more than I had originally thought. They have been speaking of a traitor in their midst since my arrival. I have not been suspected. Their information leak was here before my arrival, though I have little doubt that I am involved somehow. That information is no doubt making its way to the Yaminobu and I am here because of it. I am a fool to continue writing in this journal. It is a road map of my trechery for anyone who would pick it up, but I can't. I have nothing else.

I saw the Shinsengumi in the streets after the raid. Perhaps it is just the nature of men following a victory, but too many had smugness written on their faces. It is a quality I hate in men to begin with, and to show it openly while walking down the street covered in blood... They are called the Wolves of Mibu and I couldn't help but think they looked the part.

Rumors of torture are milling about. That a captive of the Shinsengumi had confessed information that lead to the raid under intense torture by the vice-commander Hijikata Toshisou. There is no way to know if it is true, but it is enough to make my blood run cold. Would they apply such tactics to a woman? Or worse? And what of the men I am surrounded by now? Men who would employ a boy into the role of hitokiri would likely think nothing of beating information out of a woman or using me as what they think I am...

But... even if the truth came out... I don't think Himura-san would allow it. Even if I wasn't to be trusted, or was to be imprisoned by them in some way, I don't think he would let them harm me. That is just the sort of man he is.

June 1864

[willing_sheath]

Himura-san believes that the Shinsengumi will be the Ishin Shishi's greatest obstacle. He has said it many times, even before the Ikedaya Affair. Their prowess has been proven with the raid and their reputations spread like wildfire in the street. I have not slept properly since the raid. Stories of the demon vice-commander and the strongest captains keep trickling in. Okita Souji, the first unit captain is said to be some sort of oni who smiles as he kills. The third unit captain Saitou Hajime is said to be completely ruthless. Their skill may be a match for Himura-san's Hiten Mitsurugi-ryuu...

Duplicity Entries

[willing_sheath]

[no date]

[willing_sheath]

[There are a number of false starts that seem almost garbled in comparison to here usual neat handwriting showing that her hand is shaking badly--though the most notable thing is the fact that all writing following the last entry is clearly written with a ballpoint pen rather than brush and ink.]

Why am I

How can

I can't

My god what have I done...?

How is any of this possible...?

I just

It's too much

It's all too much...