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[willing_sheath]

[A standard pre-recorded message starts:]

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system. [There are a few long moments of dead silence before someone draws a breath speaks in a stiff, uncomfortable tone:] Himura Tomoe... [and another long few seconds of silence where she apparently didn't realize how to stop the recording.] is not available. At the tone, please record your message. When you have finished recording, you may hang up or press one for more options. To leave a callback number, press five.

[BEEP]



[ooc; for action spam to be counted as log activity feel free to comment to my annual log under the appropriate month]

Comments

[goldenglasses]

That it wasn't the sex that bothered him. That it was the love in your eyes that upset him because of the way he feels for you.

I LOST THIS NOTIF DX

[willing_sheath]

[She nods slowly.]

Were it just that... maybe.

But that was before I told him the truth... about Kiyosatto and Kenshin... my involvement with the Yaminobu and the Ishin Shishi... I had to tell him to make him understand...

...

Those were words spoken about a different woman... some innocent thing in need of protection... not the wife of a Choshuu hitokiri... not a traitor to the bakufu...

[goldenglasses]

[Vash shakes his head.] Unless you've told him these things in the last couple hours then those words he says were after he learned that. [Seeing as Vash thinks she told him about this ages ago.]

cw: mention of suicidal thoughts and actions

[willing_sheath]

[Her shoulders droop a bit more, unsure if she wanted to admit yet another failure to him--but then again, she was at the very beginning of a self-destructive spiral that would end with her contemplating a dive off the roof of the Dominant building.]

I told him when he came home to speak with me... several hours after he made that post last night...

...

I was too much of a coward to tell him before...

Re: cw: mention of suicidal thoughts and actions

[goldenglasses]

Wai--what?! But you told me that you told him before you agreed to sign a contract! Tomoe! Why would you do that?! And THEN!?

[willing_sheath]

I couldn't find the nerve that day... and I was too ashamed to admit it to you...

Then... before I could try again... everything with Nissen and the Creator happened... Okita-san got me out of the Down to keep me safe... and by the time it was over... I just didn't want to hurt him...

...

I didn't even mean to tell him everything last night... but there was no way of talking about Kenshin and Kiyosatto... without the rest coming out too...

[goldenglasses]

[Oh so slowly Vash draws his hand down his face.] Well, it turned out alright in the end I think. He didn't want to kill you and I only just spoke to him a little while ago. What you said to him last night didn't seem to matter. He still loves you deeply.

[willing_sheath]

I don't know that it can sink in that fast. I don't think you understand the gravity of it for him...

...

In our world I would be tortured for information before being executed as a traitor. Whether he would be forced to do it himself is questionable, all things considered... but that is an absolute fact that I would be killed. His feelings would hold no sway to that.

...

I know he loves me. But he holds the values of bushido higher than anything. He may not be able to reconcile the betrayal with his values regardless of his heart... [And that didn't touch on his jealousy...]

[goldenglasses]

But you're not home. Things can be different here.

[willing_sheath]

I know that...

...

But it isn't up to me...

[goldenglasses]

But some of it is. You get to be your own person and make your own choices. Just because Okita is your Dom you don't need to let him run your whole life.

[willing_sheath]

...

But whether he is able to continue being with me... or continue being my Dominant at all... is up to him...

[goldenglasses]

Yes, I'm afraid that's his choice as well. If he feels his feelings have been hurt then he doesn't have to continue the contract once the three months are up. Personally? I think that is something you can wait to discuss once you're closer to the three month mark.

[willing_sheath]

Exactly...

[And in the meantime, what? She was going to be alone. During arguably the worst time for her. Nine days. Would Okita come back by then? Who knew...]

It's only a few weeks...

[goldenglasses]

Then I think you two need to decide what the two of you really want. First for yourself than together.

[willing_sheath]

I know what I want.

[And she has already lost half of it just sitting here.]

[goldenglasses]

Then talk to him about it. I think for something like a contract knowing and not leaving it to question or chance is the better option in this case. Even if the answer is not the one you're hoping for.

[willing_sheath]

When or if he comes back...

[goldenglasses]

Have you tried to leave him a message?

[willing_sheath]

Not yet...

...

It seems too early...

He left again for a reason, after all...

[goldenglasses]

[Vash gives his head a nod.] I can understand wanting time to think.

[He swallows hard. He hated what he was doing, but what more could he do? Not being honest almost seemed even more cruel.] I'm sorry. I'm sorry I can't return how you feel.

[willing_sheath]

[She shakes her head slowly]

...

I never expected you to...

[goldenglasses]

I still wish I could. [He smiles ruefully.] Although you deserve so much better than me.

[willing_sheath]

[For a brief insane moment she wants to argue, to ask him why. Why he can't, after everything, if it had really been completely one-sided all this time... But she doesn't. She knows the answer, or at least the part of the answer that she can accept...]

[It feels as though her chest is constricting and she wants to run, to somehow take it back, put things back the way they were with her silent feelings and her stolen moments of peace... and then she reminds herself that it wouldn't have mattered... This was going to be the result of this conversation no matter what. The only difference would have been how exposed she was in the end.]

You're wrong... [She swallows thickly and stands from the bench, hugging herself. She looks back to him briefly.] You're a good man, Vash-san... and just as deserving as anyone else...

...

I just wish you could see it.

[Funny... how she could say those words to him, but not to herself.]

[goldenglasses]

I'm not wrong. [Said with intent that it is a fact that cannot be debated.] And I agree I deserve love just as much as you do would you accept that?