willing_sheath | IC INBOX

IC INBOX

[A standard pre-recorded message starts:]

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system. [There are a few long moments of dead silence before someone draws a breath speaks in a stiff, uncomfortable tone:] Himura Tomoe... [and another long few seconds of silence where she apparently didn't realize how to stop the recording.] is not available. At the tone, please record your message. When you have finished recording, you may hang up or press one for more options. To leave a callback number, press five.

[BEEP]

[ooc; for action spam to be counted as log activity feel free to comment to my annual log under the appropriate month]

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[She nods and moves into step with him. Tomoe is abnormally quiet--which is impressive considering how quiet she is usually--making the minimum commentary, if it could really be called that.]

[He will chat quietly until they reach the garden. Moving to one of the seats there and brushing away the snow for her.] Would you like a seat?

[She nods and carefully takes the seat.]

What... did you wish to ask me...?

[as much as she didn't want to know, she couldn't stand waiting any longer.]

[Vash sits down next to her and takes a deep breath. Releasing it slowly before he speaks.] I spoke with Okita. I hadn't realized how hurt he was by what happened so I thought I would ask you this bluntly... how important is he to you? Because I'm worried we'll continue to hurt him if we keep filling our quota together.

You and I will always be friends, but I wanted to know what you want to do moving forward.

[and there it was. Not the exact question she was dreading, but close enough that it doesn't matter. She sits there, staring forward, debating on what to say. It may seem as though she's chosen not to answer at all by the time she does speak]

I got my memory back... I went to that place in Insincerity while you were imprisoned...

[Not... Quite the right answer...]

All this time... I could not understand why I was so drawn to Okita-san... Despite knowing the danger and the conflict and the hurt my past would cause... and yet I couldn't refuse him everytime he sought me out... And I finally stopped trying...

He is his own person, just as you are... Perhaps there is just a certain type of man I am drawn to... But once my memory was returned it became crystal clear... His personality... is nearly a carbon copy... of Kiyosotto...

Part of me wonders if my feelings are real or my mind playing tricks on me... But then I think, if I could not remember the man the entire time those feelings were developing for him, then how can they be false?

[She closes her eyes, lowering her head]

How do I feel about him? I love him.

But... I love you too... And that's the problem... He isn't threatened by sex. Not in this place... It's my feelings toward you... [She can't look at him--won't look at him. She can already imagine what she'll see there--fear or panic and the need to flee. She's seen it in him enough times when they seem too close]

I asked him... Not to make me choose. It's not a choice I can make. I have thought... So many times now... How similar you are to Kenshin... So much that I have questioned whether we are actually from the same world... And that you and he are the same reincarnated soul... So in my mind... You are so connected to Kenshin... And he is so connected to Kiyosotto... That to choose between the two of you would be to choose between the two of them... And I can't do that... One love is not better or stronger than the other... And such a choice would make it so...

...

I told him... All of this last night... I'm not sure... How he took it... In the end... Because he left again...

[She hates the fact that she can feel her tears returning, burning behind her eyes until they slip free]

So... There is your answer...

Edited (I HATE PHONE TAGGING) 2020-02-01 14:34 (UTC)

[It's probably good that she doesn't look at him when she admits that she loves him as Vash looks like he had just swallowed jagged pieces of glass that he was feeling sliding down his throat and if he moved it would do more damage.

She loved him? No, no, no, no, no. That is not a good thing. Not here in this world.]

Tomoe... I--ah, I don't know what to say. [He should probably feel touched or some sort of pleasant feeling, but right now he just feels terrified.] But I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry, but you shouldn't love me. It will only end in pain. I can't stay here and you can't leave. And I'm not even-- you should try to forget about me. At least in that way. I'll only end up hurting you. [Like he was so sure he was unintentionally doing now. Well, SEMI unintentionally.]

I know.

[She keeps her eyes closed and doesn't look at him. This is exactly what she was expecting.]

If I had my way I never would have spoken of it... because I know all of that... The only reason I am now... is because I'm backed into a corner...

[Her tears are escaping freely now, even if her eyes remain closed and she lets out a quiet self-deprecating laugh.]

I am very good... at destroying my own happiness...

Edited 2020-02-01 23:03 (UTC)

No. It's good to say how you feel. [After a moment of hesitation he reaches forward to take her hand. Giving it what he hopes reads as a friendly squeeze.] Hiding what you're feeling? It can fester and just hurt worse later.

But... ah. [Shit. How does he want to say this?] But it sounds like Okita is very important to you too. So I think maybe we should stop filling our quota together. We can still be friends and see each other of course, but I think we should keep it there for now.

[There is a tired part of her that wants to laugh at that. To downright cackle at the irony of it. That had been her entire life. She finally speaks her feelings... and in a span of 24 hours whatever life she has here implodes on itself... One man driven to sexually claim her in a fit of jealousy before fleeing from her for the shame of it... and now the other fleeing for his fear of attachments. Oh, he could say whatever he wanted for an explanation--but with the bomb she just dropped in his lap she knew the truth. She wasn't stupid.]

[She keeps herself from squeezing his hand back. He knew the truth now, so she could not take liberties anymore, however small they were. She would have to build her walls back up after having let them down so far for him. 'It's good to say how you feel'. What a joke... the only way she had survived to adulthood and kept her family afloat had been by locking everything away... In the end it wouldn't be any different here...]

Aa...

[She nods in response, still keeping her eyes closed... and her fingers slack.]

[His heart drops to the pit of his stomach with the way her fingers stay slack in his hand. Very slowly he releases her hand. Lingering as if she might suddenly change her mind and not wanting to miss that moment.]

We can still be friends, can't we?

[She finally opens her eyes, looking down at his hand... and finally closes her fingers lightly on his before slackening them again.]

Of course... Vash-san...

So why does it feel like we can't? [He tries to chuckle, but it falls flat.] I mean, it kinda feels right now that having to hang out with me without sex is life ending for you. I couldn't have been that good that you were only spending time with me for the quota.

['Life ending'. He was trying to be light-hearted, but that was possibly the poorest word choice he could have made. If she wasn't so emotionally beaten down perhaps she would have snapped at him. Instead he gets a half-hearted 'baka'. But at the very least it manages to push back against the hastily thrown wall.]

I told you... it's not about the quota... so what am I supposed to do? I will not stop loving you if we're no longer intimate. I don't need my feelings returned for them to exist. I have told him as much. So what good does any of it do?

The only thing I can do is hide it... just like everything else...

But do you think that will be enough for your other love? To know that we will stop being intimate with each other? And that while I will forever care very deeply for you, but it will only be as a friend. Will Okita be alright with that? Then maybe you don't need to hide it.

I just worry that if you hide it you'll hurt yourself.

I don't know...

I don't know if it will be enough.

I don't know if it's already too late... I don't know if he'll come back... or if he will even want to renew our contract after all of this...

[She felt dead inside. How did this happen...? All because of the goddamn snow and her mind getting trapped in what had happened. All because she had needed someone and reached out. She would hurt herself if she hid it? No... it seemed like the opposite kept playing out.]

I think that will be up to him, but I must admit if he turns you away after what he said to me? Then he's an idiot and doesn't deserve someone as wonderful as you.

[Ah. It makes more sense now... He must have seen Okita's post, was that it...?]

What did he say...?

[Whatever it was... it was likely before she'd revealed herself as a traitor... And she still didn't think Vash understood what a blow that had been and why she had been so afraid of revealing it.]

That it wasn't the sex that bothered him. That it was the love in your eyes that upset him because of the way he feels for you.

[She nods slowly.]

Were it just that... maybe.

But that was before I told him the truth... about Kiyosatto and Kenshin... my involvement with the Yaminobu and the Ishin Shishi... I had to tell him to make him understand...

...

Those were words spoken about a different woman... some innocent thing in need of protection... not the wife of a Choshuu hitokiri... not a traitor to the bakufu...

[Vash shakes his head.] Unless you've told him these things in the last couple hours then those words he says were after he learned that. [Seeing as Vash thinks she told him about this ages ago.]

[Her shoulders droop a bit more, unsure if she wanted to admit yet another failure to him--but then again, she was at the very beginning of a self-destructive spiral that would end with her contemplating a dive off the roof of the Dominant building.]

I told him when he came home to speak with me... several hours after he made that post last night...

...

I was too much of a coward to tell him before...

Wai--what?! But you told me that you told him before you agreed to sign a contract! Tomoe! Why would you do that?! And THEN!?

I couldn't find the nerve that day... and I was too ashamed to admit it to you...

Then... before I could try again... everything with Nissen and the Creator happened... Okita-san got me out of the Down to keep me safe... and by the time it was over... I just didn't want to hurt him...

...

I didn't even mean to tell him everything last night... but there was no way of talking about Kenshin and Kiyosatto... without the rest coming out too...

[Oh so slowly Vash draws his hand down his face.] Well, it turned out alright in the end I think. He didn't want to kill you and I only just spoke to him a little while ago. What you said to him last night didn't seem to matter. He still loves you deeply.

I don't know that it can sink in that fast. I don't think you understand the gravity of it for him...

...

In our world I would be tortured for information before being executed as a traitor. Whether he would be forced to do it himself is questionable, all things considered... but that is an absolute fact that I would be killed. His feelings would hold no sway to that.

...

I know he loves me. But he holds the values of bushido higher than anything. He may not be able to reconcile the betrayal with his values regardless of his heart... [And that didn't touch on his jealousy...]

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I LOST THIS NOTIF DX

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cw: mention of suicidal thoughts and actions

Re: cw: mention of suicidal thoughts and actions

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