IC Journal

[willing_sheath]

CANON TIMELINE

September 1845--Born
(June 1849--Kenshin born)
May 1854--Enishi is born, mother dies, Tomoe age 8/9
Spring 1862--betrothed to Kiysatto Akira, marriage set for Spring 1863, Tomoe age 16/17, Enishi age 6/7
Fall 1862--Kiyosatto joins Mimawari-gumi, wedding delayed to Spring 1864, Tomoe age 17, Enishi age 7
(Early 1863--Kenshin quarrels with Hiko and leaves, joins Kiheitai and is taken to Kyoto with Katsura Kogoro, Kenshin age 13/14)

1864
Early March--Kiyosatto is killed in Kyoto
April 4th--news of Kiyosatto's death arrives from Kyoto
Mid-April--Tomoe runs away to Kyoto
Late April--Tomoe arrives in Kyoto and is found by the Yaminobu
Early May--Meets Kenshin and is brought to the Kohagiya
Mid-May--discussion of "madness" with Katsura Kogoro
Late May--window incident, "now a sheath to hold back your madness"
June 5th--Ikedaya Affair
July 18th--Kinmon Incident
Late July--Kenshin and Tomoe are married and go into hiding outside Otsu, Tomoe age 18, Kenshin age 15
Late December--Enishi arrives in Otsu
December 31st--Tomoe dies, Tomoe age 19, Kenshin age 15, Enishi age 10

Comments

March

[willing_sheath]

It is in my mind constantly. Even so I can tell as the days go by that details are melting together and distorting themselves. I need to record it before my nightmares twist my memory of what happened.


Enishi appeared on our doorstep out of nowhere on December 30th. I was shocked to see him. I had resigned myself to never seeing him or our father again and so I was happy, but also afraid. I had no contact with anyone after I left Edo. I had no idea how he had found me. It should have been so obvious from the moment he arrived, and yet it never even occurred to me. My dear, sweet brother... his words still haunt me. They were the first that came back to me when I woke here--that phrase that brought everything crashing back in a flood... "Rejoice, sister. The time has come to cast tenchuu on Battousai."

My heart stopped and my mind whited out as I realized the moment I'd been dreading, that I had fooled myself into thinking wouldn't come, had arrived... and the terror at realizing Enishi had been drawn in by them as well. That he was too young and naive to even realize what he had entrapped himself in. I regret it so much now... that I didn't hold him close to my side that night. If I had, maybe things would have turned out differently. But I didn't. In my shock I simply told him to return to Edo... as though that was even a possibility. Even if he tried they would have caught him. If only I had kept him there. If only I had confessed everything to Kenshin, then, maybe...

But it doesn't matter now.

Enishi was so angry by the way I dismissed him. I knew his tone--it was the same he had when my engagement was announced... the anger and jealousy over someone taking me away from him. He ran from the house not long after that and I immediately went to the escape of my journal in an attempt to string my thoughts together and hold my panic back. I was only able to write a few lines before Kenshin returned and interrupted me.

I told him of my family. Father, Mother and Enishi... and Kiyosatto-sama... I could not bring myself to name him, nor tell him the truth of the matter. I had begun, thinking that maybe I could, but my nerve failed me. I could not bear to see how he would change toward me. I am a coward. I wept, for the first time since Kiyosatto-sama's death, and he held me through it. I can't remember a time when someone stood strong and allowed me to lean on them. Ever since Mother died it has been me. Always me... I wept for Kiyosatto... for myself... for the end of the daydream we'd had there in Otsu...

That night he told me more of his own life. How he had quarreled with his master and abandoned his training because he wanted to protect people. He wanted to end the conflict and open up a new era of peace, which lead him the the Ishin Shishi... and becoming Hitokiri Battousai. He was convinced that he could do this with his Hiten Mitsurugi Ryuu--but despite how many people he killed he didn't see the new era any closer. He was just a common murderer. He buried his emotions and closed himself off, trapped in a haze of blood and death.

It was just as I had thought... my presence and hard line of questioning had woken him again. "No matter how great his skill, one man can't hope to change an era alone. All he can do is protect the people he sees before him, one by one." But it was the next thing he said that will stay with me forever... that gives me hope... That once the war is over, that he wants to find a way to protect without killing. That he wants to find a way to atone for the lives he has taken...

And then... "The happiness you lost once in this violence... I will protect this time."

That simple promise and his desire for the future... it broke through the haze of my thoughts and I smiled... for the first time I can remember in months... maybe years...

We made love for the last time... and perhaps it was because we had opened up to each other, that I felt so close to him then, but it was beautiful... and no matter what happens here... I will never forget that night and the connection we had... whether I deserve to remember it or not...

It was the first and last time that he remained by my side through the night...

I did not sleep. I stayed in his arms through the night waiting for the dawn. As soon as light was filtering into the house I rose. I moved quickly to be gone by the time he woke. I wrote my farewell to him in this journal--and the fact that it is here with me begs the question of whether he will ever really know the truth.

I left, resigned to the fact that I was likely going to die. I did not know what I could tell them, because I had no intention of telling them the truth. Kenshin's weakness... is his empathy and his kindness... the traits that caused me to love him... the traits that did not belong to a hitokiri. They are his greatest strength... and his greatest weakness...

I met them in their "Forest of Barriers" as I had in the beginning. I held everything back behind my mask. I did not betray a single thought or feeling to them, not even with them boxing me in on all sides. I told them that the only weakness I had seen was while he was asleep, that it would only be while he was unguarded that they might strike... and that is when Tatsumi revealed the truth that I had been too naive to realize. "Does Battousai love you?" The words still echo in my mind just as Ensihi's do... "Why go looking for a weakness that may not exist when it is far easier to create one?"

It was what they had intended from the very beginning. They hadn't used me to find Kenshin's weakness. They had set me up to become it. Whether I did so willingly or not. By going there instead of hindering their plan I had set it in motion and all but guaranteed its success.

I tried to attack Tatsumi with my kaiken, thinking that if nothing else I could injure or even kill one of them. Stupid. Tatsumi struck me so hard that I was unconscious before I even hit the ground.

I have no idea how long I was unconscious. I woke in complete confusion, just dumped inside the shack that had served as the meeting place. I could hear fighting outside. I stumbled to the door to see--and when I opened it I saw Kiyosatto-sama there, covered head to toe in blood. My own blood ran cold and I had to shake myself and look again--and saw Kenshin there. Not Kiyosatto-sama... and he was covered in blood that was clearly his own. He was so badly injured that he stained the snow where he stood... could barely keep hold of his sword... and Tatsumi was fresh. Picking away at him slowly and waiting for exhaustion to take him...

It was my fault. It was all my fault. I had let Kiyosatto-sama die by not stopping him... I couldn't stand there and do nothing while Kenshin was killed right before my eyes. Killed because of my actions... So…

I ran out between them. I attacked Tatsumi and blocked his next blow to Kenshin... I never considered that Kenshin couldn't see me... couldn't hear me... It was part of their plan... part of their 'forest of barriers'... they had done something to his eyes and ears... and god knows what else to weaken him... The others three had died to weaken him... to bind him...

It happened so quickly... I did not know what happened at first. I felt white-hot fire down my back... and then I was falling... everything just a blur of white in the snow... Kenshin's last strike landed... and cut through both of us...

It didn't take long... and after a few moments it didn't hurt... everything went numb so quickly. He held me. Wept over me... his face bleeding. I had cut him with my knife... with Kiyosatto-sama's knife when I fell... across the existing scar. God, I'm so selfish... I looked at him and I smiled... and I told him not to cry... "This is the way it should be, so please don't cry..." I was happy... happy that I'd saved him. But to what? The same fate that I had been living for the past year? I know I killed Kiyosatto-sama by not stopping him, but my god, I wasn't holding the blade myself... and I didn't have a brand on my face to remind me of it every single day...

It haunts me... that thought of that cross-shaped scar. The fate that I've damned him to... and it makes me think that I deserve this place. I deserve to be punished... for letting Kiyosatto die... for abandoning my family... for first betraying Kiyosatto and then Kenshin... I deserve this...