willing_sheath | IC INBOX

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[A standard pre-recorded message starts:]

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system. [There are a few long moments of dead silence before someone draws a breath speaks in a stiff, uncomfortable tone:] Himura Tomoe... [and another long few seconds of silence where she apparently didn't realize how to stop the recording.] is not available. At the tone, please record your message. When you have finished recording, you may hang up or press one for more options. To leave a callback number, press five.

[BEEP]

[ooc; for action spam to be counted as log activity feel free to comment to my annual log under the appropriate month]

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[She doesn't try to answer right away, she can't. The question is too complicated to give a short answer and she isn't about to say something without being certain of what she means--but he continues on and she frowns on her end of the phone, straightening a bit.]

Souji... where is this coming from...? What happened...?

...

That isn't true... I love you... Clearly Kamiya-san loves you... Ana-san must love you... [because why else would she verbally attack a perfect stranger?] Surely some of the Shinsengumi at least...

...

Why do you think you can't be loved...?

( and that is what has him afraid, insecure, when he knows both have voiced those thoughts as honestly as possible. her not wanting to answer that question is shaking him the wrong way. )

I said... some things to Meryl-san. That I saw her as Kamiya-san. She denied wanting to be seen as her, but only as Meryl Stryfe.

...

But you and Kamiya-san have been the ones I treated so-- so horribly. You both have been the only women in my life who had seen a part of myself that, until now, I feel ashamed of. I don't want you to think I treat Constance-san differently only because I don't want her to see the real me. It's-- After you left I promised myself I wouldn't make the same mistakes with her, with you. You have the more reason to resent me for letting you get hurt.

How a precious soul like you would love an idiot like me?

[It's still too much for her to respond to off the cuff. This isn't a conversation she is prepared for, she doesn't have semi-pre-formed thoughts on the matter and isn't sure of what to respond to first...]

...

I just... do...

...

Explaining... how I can love you is like trying to explain how the sky can be blue or the grass green... And knowing... that you recognize your mistakes and are trying to be better--that isn't hiding the real you...

...

How many men would see no wrong in what happened... would see themselves as entitled and refuse to change anything... That... that makes you so much better, Souji... that you can see your errors... and actively try to change them... That isn't hiding the real you, that is the real you...

...

And... with Meryl-san... I... suppose I can imagine how she might feel... just... as you worry about Kiyosatto... But you are no replacement, Souji... You are your own person and I love you for who you are... not for who you remind me of...

I saw no wrong before... until... you left me. Because I made you leave me. If you had never snapped at me I would probably spend my life without knowing how my callousness affected you.

...

I know. There are too many traits she and Kamiya-san share, even though I can see there are others where she's her own person.

...

Then... what is it that you love about me?

( he's starting to feel much better, less panicked about this. )

They are from the same world... if... my thoughts on Vash are true... then it could be possible... but even if it is... one doesn't remember their past life... and I don't think they believe in reincarnation... It is probably very disturbing when we speak of it...

But even if I do believe Vash and Kenshin share the same soul, Vash is not Kenshin... and... Meryl-san is not Kamiya-san...

...

Or maybe it is just a comforting idea that I've deluded myself with... to find meet again when I know I'll never actually see him again... to see that desire to protect without killing actually realized... to have him forgive me... for what I did...

[She thinks for a moment, not because she can't find a reason, but because she isn't sure of the right words...]

From the start... you were concerned for me and wanted to help me even though you knew nothing about me... to no real benefit to yourself... That is... rare. And I admire your determination... and your bravery... your dedication...

I love your silliness--even if it drives me mad at times... I am such a dark person... it... draws me out... in a way that I can't do on my own...

And... the fact that... that you can see past my demeanor... I don't feel like I am being judged... I'm simply... comfortable... I feel safe with you... and I don't need to be constantly on guard...

And... being with you... just makes me happy, Souji... I'm happy when I'm with you...

I want to think they coincidentally are like Himura-san and Kamiya-san. From a different world than ours.

Like you and Vash-san, I don't expect something deeper from Meryl-san, but... it's-- it's like I'm seeing Kamiya-san by trying to let her know of any feelings I was never able to return.

I-- I realize it's unfair to you to know this. I'm so sorry!

( the last part, though... she will listen to barely contained sobbing since he's already crying. such words are too good to be true. )

P--Please forgive me, love, that I ever asked you to smile only because I did so myself. As long as you're happy with me, I don't care about that anymore...

But it's not...

...

I am not going to begrudge what connections you had at home, Souji... They're... a part of you too... [and she can't help but think of the photo... and of... his 'wife'...]

[Her brows draw, hearing the emotion through the connection.]

It's alright, Souji... you'll smile for both of us... right...?

Even if I had feelings for Kamiya-san... it would never change what I feel for you. ( that photo will always be a reminder of whatever uncertainty, whatever 'what if...' he has at home.

her acknowledging his words brings a small laughter, which means he's calming down a little. )

Yes...of course I will.

[Have she corrects in her mind... and wonders again... if she should tell him the specifics of his alternate...]

I know...

[She is so relieved to hear that laugh...]

Where are you right now...?

( she should! seeing how he's kind of distressed with his feelings for kamiya mixed with those for meryl.

doesn't she like his laugh? )

I'm at the bench near the garden. I wasn't feeling well to come up to my room.

[She may... if only she could decide what was the right thing to do in that...]

[It's a wonderful laugh]

I see...

[And she'll be heading that way now from her room.]

( the right thing to do would be: leave it for later.

d'awww.

she will find him sitting on the bench with folded arms, looking at the garden constance takes utmost care of, almost miserably. almost. )

[Tomoe comes up behind him, setting her hand to his shoulder gently before moving around the bench to stand before him. She doesn't say anything, simply lifting her hands and combing her fingers back through his hair, looking down to him with a soft and concerned expression before pulling him close to her.]

( those pure displays of affection are enough to make him feel small and childish as he looks up at her after her arrival, with how her hands are gentle and how her fingers rake through his bangs that lower his eyelids, enjoying her touch with a loving face.

that gap between them is closed by her arms, his own clinging to that frame she loves so much, his head resting against her belly. )

Tomoe...

[She sighs quietly as his arms close around her, one of here hands stroking down his back and the other remaining to stroke his hair.]

I love you, Souji... and I know you love me... Nothing this place does is going to change that...

( with that answer, with how she's making him feel loved through her touches, there's also a hint of remorse for leaving her to her own devices. despite they have settled it with a mutual understanding, he still can't let go of the guilt. he still can't let go of the knowledge that they don't belong fully to each other and that his heart is divided.

and it shows as he looks up at her with heavy eyes filled with desperation, his arms holding her yet.

is she... smiling? )

It almost did. It almost broke us apart. I will never let you go unless you want me to.

[Perhaps he is becoming more perceptive as their time together continues on... It isn't a smile by any normal person's standards--but she isn't normal. Her expression is serene, her eyes warm--it is, indeed, just about the closest she's ever been to a contented smile.]

[She shakes her head gently]

It doesn't work that way... even if we were driven apart... I would not stop loving you, Souji... That isn't how love works... [At least it isn't how her love works.]

( he can see it, however, he wonders if someday there will be a smile on her face because of him. he's starting to have doubts.

his head lowers, unsatisfied with that answer. is she confirming another separation? )

Is that so?

[Perhaps he needs to rethink his definitions. If he did maybe he would realize that he does make her smile and he does make her laugh--it just isn't in the same way.]

Yes, it is.

[Alas... she doesn't realize he is misinterpreting her words...]

( of course he's not asking for a fake smile or a frequent smile, only one that comes from the heart, as long as she wants, it won't make him love her less if not. he promised a smile for both of them, that he did, although his heart feels hurt, jealous, overprotective. only minimal, but it's there, and tomoe would feel overwhelmed if she knew about such selfishness.

he wants to be with her, with constance, with meryl. how when his heart feels divided in many pieces?

his body clings to her, pressing his forehead against her stomach in silence. )

[Tomoe holds him as he clings to her, running a hand up and down his back, the other resting against the nape of his neck.]

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