willing_sheath | IC INBOX

( the days in what were going to be the last in their home soon have passed by since she was gone. in a way... it had been relieving, on the other hand... he had come to terms into the realization that tomoe would probably never come back. the nights after she decided to stay at tinya's house, where he found himself in the arms of a girl that reminded him of the certain type where he couldn't care to understand since sae's incident and the other girl who... reminded him of a love that would stay in deadlock back home without knowing if it could have developed more than what it transpired since they met, had taught him fullest what tinya was trying to tell him, because in the end, girls understand each other better, right?

leaving the mist of jealousy and confusion behind a bit more, while packing his stuff (that isn't much to begin with) to move into the new house, souji recalled the words he had forgotten and once told kamiya when he assisted yamanami on his seppuku. in a single text that he doesn't expect an answer back, mostly a reaffirmation, he conveys his own feelings of memories that seemed like yesterday but somehow he took for granted thanks to his selfish thoughts. )

I had a friend that was dear to me, one I couldn't save from the fate he had decided to welcome because he was loyal to his code.

When he died, my underling, Kamiya-san, berated me that if my friend's emotions for the girl he abandoned never took physical form it's like they didn't exist. It's now when I realized my own answer... and my own mistakes, possibly because at that time I wasn't in love it never occurred to me that I would understand what I was even saying.

"Must something have form for you to believe in it?"

Finally... I have come to understand what you told me, what Tinya-san told me. I cannot make your emotions, your feelings, take a shape for me to see them. I know they exist, they existed before you regained your memories of Kiyosato-san. When we first made love to each other before the truth of everything.

I don't want you to change for my sake, for anyone's sake. You don't have to smile for my sake either. I promised you, remember? that I would do so for both of us. I didn't see it because I took my anger and jealousy for granted, but now... I cannot see a life here where you're not in it.

You are my one true love. You are perfect to me, the light in my darkness. Even if you don't smile because I wish for it, I will do everything in my power for one day see a smile that is only meant for me.

And because I am a man, and bushi, I know this for sure: even if Kiyosato-san wanted to prove better for you, he died loving Tomoe, doing what he felt was the best way to show his love. My dear friend, Keisuke Yamanami-san wished he would have died as his lover's husband and instead died as bushi. O-Sato-san could have wanted to take her own life but the memories of Yamanami-san and their adopted child Mabo gave her reason to move on. I wish to be the reason for you to move on in this caotic place, for your friends and partners to be the reason. Whatever you believe it was your fault, it never will be.

I hope you're eating well, because I want to see you again as beautiful as when I first met you.

[Several days later Okita will receive a letter several pages long written in meticulously neat Japanese calligraphy.]

Souji,

I apologize that I did not reply sooner, but I can't bear the informality of such words cast across those devices, and yet to speak in person my words too often fail me. Even now I am uncertain in what to say in return as most anything somehow seems cheap in reply to such heartfelt sentiment.

I love you--and what's more, I can see having a life with you, even here. It is the few connections that I have made here that have helped me survive this place. But I am tired of just surviving... I have just been surviving for over a decade. I want to find a way to live, to not just survive. In order to do that I think I do need to change, but ultimately that change must be for myself, not for anyone else. At least, I think that is what you mean by "moving on"? I want to be happy. I want to be able to smile. I want... to actually want to be alive. I don't want to be lost in the darkness anymore.

Back in December someone suggested that I get help when that darkness became visible. I finally sought out a doctor in January, one who specializes in "mental health". I did not tell you because I was uncertain of what it entailed or if it was anything of substance... and perhaps I was ashamed as well. As many times as I have said that there is something wrong with me, to actually take action in regard to it makes it real. At times I am still unsure, but I think it is a step forward at least. It is helping me to understand what that darkness is, and in turn helping me find a way out of it.

You say that I am the light in your darkness--and I can say the same for you. Every person I have become close to is. As you said, my reasons to continue on. But you shine brighter now, because you've become so close... But that is a double edged blade as well--because when your light is there I can see the way out. I've felt the beginning of all those things... and twice now that light has been abruptly taken away from me... and when that has happened I've been swallowed so quickly and so completely that I almost drowned.

Souji, what I am about to write is difficult for me. I have spent years hiding my pain to project a strength that isn't really here. I don't want to be seen as weak, but if we are to have any sort of chance together then I can't continue to do that. I'm not well, and it goes back long before Duplicity or even Kyoto. Probably back to my mother's death.

In December, when you left I lost myself. Perhaps it wouldn't have been so severe if Vash hadn't withdrawn from me at the same time, or maybe I purposefully pushed him away just as much as he did me. Maybe if it hadn't been December... but the combination... was... almost fatal for me. Between getting my memory of Kiyosatto back, and then having not one but both people I loved turn away from me... all culminating just before the first anniversary of my death... I honestly believe the only reason I'm still here is the simple impermanence of death in this place... Suicide is pointless here because they will simply bring us back... over and over. It didn't stop me from contemplating it though. I can't remember that night very well. I can't remember any of it very well, I spent almost the entire time you were gone so drunk I could barely stand.

I died on the eve of the new year in our world, and almost again here. I was ready to throw myself off the roof of the Dominant building. I thought maybe if the damage was too great maybe they wouldn't be able to piece me back together again. All I could think was how I destroyed everything I touched. Kiyosatto. Kenshin. You. And anger over the fact that it had finally been over... that I had died happy, and LIEs had stolen that from me. That I was tired... and just wanted it to be over again. Azwel-san was the one who got me off the roof. I remember calling him while standing up there on the rail, because I knew he would understand in a way that... living wouldn't. I don't know if I would have jumped if he didn't come for me or not. I blacked out entirely after he got me back inside the building. You would need to ask him if anything else happened that night. I made the decision to contact Doctor Lector the next day.

In March... it was much the same. I blamed myself for everything. Saw myself as the problem. I didn't drown myself in alcohol, but I stopped eating without realizing it. I never actively tried to harm myself, but the thoughts were there everyday. I couldn't bring myself to seek someone out to fill quota... I couldn't bring myself to sleep with someone I didn't have feelings for. It was what lead to my first SLUT treatment. I think you have wondered about my partners and this is the truth of it: outside of the city's meddling I have only willingly slept with three people in my life: my husband, Vash, and you. You are the only ones I have made love to--who I have actually wanted. I just... couldn't bring myself to simply whore myself out...

Or maybe I subconsciously wanted to be harmed...

Sometimes I think the SLUT treatments are designed to amplify the reason we've failed quota... to distort it to the point that we will not do it again. I've only seen three... my two... and one of Vash's... The first time I failed because I refused to approach anyone... and they forced me to seek out two partners at once. This time... this time they made me seek punishment... It was so much worse this time... Before they just drugged me and released me again. This time... they gave me to someone first... I can't... I still can't bring myself to repeat the things he did to me...

I didn't intend to write about this, and a part of me wants to rip up these pages and start again, but I'm not going to. As much as this rift was caused by your insecurity it's also been caused by how closed off I am. I can't expect you to understand something if I don't speak of it.

This is what I meant when I said I need to know that I can lean on you. I need to know that you will not abandon me again, physically or emotionally. I need you to believe in me--to believe in that love that has no form for you to see... I want to get better, and I need stable support to do that.

I love you, Souji. Nothing will change that. Even if you decide that all of this is too much I will understand. It isn't easy loving someone who doesn't love herself.

I hope we will talk in person again soon. I miss you.
~Tomoe

( while sitting on the bench outside his new home, once he's finished reading that letter, the bushi stamps it on his lap and covers his mouth trying to hold back a sob, but it's certainly impossible. tears fall unabated from his narrowed eyes, having a little piece of mind to understand all she has gone through.

many things had happened without him being aware, just focused on his own feelings and disregarding hers, even when he returned home the first time. what kind of "love" has he professed towards her when in reality she wasn't entirely happy? how can he make amends for her already broken heart and soul? back home, he could have thought how foolish a girl was by losing her will to live, by wanting to die without a reason, without a purpose, without a mission. it was so simple and almost impossible at the same time: to have a life of her own, to have a love to choose from, to have the will to prove she can be more than a wife. the ambition. the hunger to become something else.

kamiya has proved him time and again and he had been such an idiot to not see it. it's not about saving tomoe but letting her know life is worth living, that her existence means everything to him and her friends. she's scarred. she's broken. and she's stronger than he would ever be. and so he cries, for a long time, doing his best to not let constance find him in that state. once he has regained his composure, he takes out his phone and sends her a text message. )

Let me see you. Please.

[The days following that "party" were the usual blur of denial and shame following anything the city did, trying to forget and box it off as the actions of someone else... because she wasn't herself by any stretch of the imagination. She wasn't sure if she was relieved or unnerved over the fact that she could barely remember what she'd done--it was only the soreness in her body that really told her... But she knew one thing for sure: she'd been with both Vash and Okita during the night... along with dozens of others... had Okita seen...? She wasn't sure.]

[When his text comes to her she can't help but wonder if it is regards to that debauchery... or if he had received her letter... perhaps both. She can't help but feel a touch of trepidation as she replies... but also hope at the same time. She has missed him. For far longer than they have actually been apart.]

Where are you?

Where are you?

( how could he explain to her he had been with vash in a more intimate yet in the open surrounding? he doesn't regret being with him, but... would vash regret it? will they be together again in their own free will? moreover, the sexual haze that took over his mind when he was with vash, tomoe and meryl is having him upset after days. he barely recalls what they did, only their pleasured faces. )

I'm home. It's not the Up building anymore.

[It isn't an answer she could give me. That is the sort of thing he would need to figure out for himself. This was by far the most... intense situation she had to come to terms with... At least in the past such things were either short-lived or spanned out over time.]

[She is a little surprised to hear that he moved... but at the same time it makes sense... she couldn't stay, after all.]

Is that so?

Where?

( an orgy just makes him feel kinda disgusted with himself. he probably will have to abstain himself from parties for a while, as much as it hurts him about the free food and sweets.

more like... new beginnings? )

It's a cottage house at the outskirts of the Up. You'll like it.

I'm... living with someone else there. ( nervous laughter? )

[She will definitely be gun shy again for a while to come...]

[And she likes it already. If it's a house then that means there are no elevators.]

[Though the second part gives her pause... Because he can't be living with someone else, unless he was willing to face fines again... unless...]

How is that? Did you contract with another submissive?

( good.

that, and legato won't threaten her again, just in case.

yyyyes, well... he has to elaborate more on that part. )

Yes. I have another Submissive under my care.

Her name is Constance Blackwood-san.

[She feels a sudden flair of jealousy at the statement and hates it. It didn't necessarily mean anything. There were plenty of platonic contracts, as hers had been with Holmes-san...]

[But who was she kidding? He'd gone to another woman while they were together and he had to be meeting quota somehow since March...]

I see.

What is she like?

[She can probably smile...]

( the issue is... she could possibly feel that flair justified when he tells her the whole truth.

will she never forgive him about rangiku, right? and because they were apart, he had to take action on the matters. )

She's... ( beautiful like tomoe, only different. ) a girl from wealthy upbringing. Naive.

( she smiles like... a lot. )

[She'll forgive... but she won't forget.]

Western?

( s-sob.

wait... how did she know? )

Yes?

[Because everyone's Western :/]

To the future?

( th-that's biased, tomoe ;; )

No, she's... from the first half of the twentieth century. She's like you, heh. A traditional lady.

[:/ well, if they're not Asian they're Western. End of story.]

[Except when there is no Asia, then it just gets weirder.]

[BUT WHATEVER! NOT. JAPANESE.]

Not far to the future then.

Is that so?

( well, that's true.

like... Tinya's or Vash's world?

ANYWAY. )

Does it matter? 😶🤔

Yes, she's here at home. You... can meet her if you want.

No. It's just a frame of reference.

I imagine I should.

Where is 'home' now?

Oh... alright 😶

What about we meet at North Park and I can take you there?

Alright.

At the koi pond?

Of course.

I'll see you there.

Alright.

IC INBOX

text; un: dango.lover (before the party)

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