Were it a matter of honor or pride in serving the Shogun and the bakufu perhaps I would not feel as distressed as I do... but it is because of me. He believes I am dissatisfied with our betrothal and that I am ashamed to be marrying only a second son. It could not possibly be further from the truth, but I do not know what I can say to prove that to him. Every time I try my words stick in my throat. If only I could smile or laugh, perhaps then he would believe me, but I simply cannot do it. He intends to join the Mimawari-gumi in the defense of Kyoto to prove himself a warrior of merit so that I will be proud to marry him. I want to beg him to stay, but I fear insulting his pride as a man. He has never been bothered by my manner before. That is one of the aspects that has made me love him so. I know it stems from his own love for me, that all he wishes is to make me happy--but how is it that he cannot see that I already am?
Fall 1862
Were it a matter of honor or pride in serving the Shogun and the bakufu perhaps I would not feel as distressed as I do... but it is because of me. He believes I am dissatisfied with our betrothal and that I am ashamed to be marrying only a second son. It could not possibly be further from the truth, but I do not know what I can say to prove that to him. Every time I try my words stick in my throat. If only I could smile or laugh, perhaps then he would believe me, but I simply cannot do it. He intends to join the Mimawari-gumi in the defense of Kyoto to prove himself a warrior of merit so that I will be proud to marry him. I want to beg him to stay, but I fear insulting his pride as a man. He has never been bothered by my manner before. That is one of the aspects that has made me love him so. I know it stems from his own love for me, that all he wishes is to make me happy--but how is it that he cannot see that I already am?