Himura-san nearly killed me tonight. It was my own fault, I've grown too comfortable around him, just as someone will cut themselves with a knife if they become too lax.
He was asleep in the window again. I have made mention to him that he will fall ill if he continues to do that, especially with how loose he wears his kimono, but he has ignored me. I had mother's shawl wrapped around me and I didn't think twice about the motion. I took it and moved to cover him with it. It never occurred to me that just the rustle of cloth would wake him or that he would startle so violently from sleep.
His sword was at my throat before I knew he had even woken and the expression on his face... in that moment he was a completely different person. In that moment I saw the demon of Kyoto. I saw Hitokiri Battousai.
And just as quickly he blocked his blade with his opposite hand and pushed me away before turning in on himself, gasping and holding his sword arm back with his opposite hand as though it might choose to attack me again all on its own. And the look on his face then... I have seen that look before, that look of fear and hopelessness at the edge of losing one's self. I'd seen it on Father's face after Mother died when he became too overwhelmed to function. It was a look I know too well...
I imagine most people would flee if something like this had happened to them, but I was frozen to the spot, too caught up by his reaction to contemplate my own. He begged me to leave. If I stayed with him he would end up hurting me... and I thought "No... regardless of awaits me outside, if I leave you now that's what you'll become..." Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe whatever good is in him is strong enough to withstand the weight of what they are making him do... but I can't do that. I don't want to see that first man I met disappear. The one who stopped bloodshed without even drawing his sword... the one who brought a witness to murder back to safety rather than silencing her or leaving her unguarded on the street. And if I leave him now that is what will happen. Himura-san will disappear and all that will be left will be Battousai.
If the plot I became a part of was to kill Battousai... maybe this is the same? Not to kill the murderer but to save the man behind him? I don't know... But I refuse to leave him to be swallowed whole by Choshuu's 'madness'. If he is only seen as a sword by the others then I will be its sheath.
May 1864
He was asleep in the window again. I have made mention to him that he will fall ill if he continues to do that, especially with how loose he wears his kimono, but he has ignored me. I had mother's shawl wrapped around me and I didn't think twice about the motion. I took it and moved to cover him with it. It never occurred to me that just the rustle of cloth would wake him or that he would startle so violently from sleep.
His sword was at my throat before I knew he had even woken and the expression on his face... in that moment he was a completely different person. In that moment I saw the demon of Kyoto. I saw Hitokiri Battousai.
And just as quickly he blocked his blade with his opposite hand and pushed me away before turning in on himself, gasping and holding his sword arm back with his opposite hand as though it might choose to attack me again all on its own. And the look on his face then... I have seen that look before, that look of fear and hopelessness at the edge of losing one's self. I'd seen it on Father's face after Mother died when he became too overwhelmed to function. It was a look I know too well...
I imagine most people would flee if something like this had happened to them, but I was frozen to the spot, too caught up by his reaction to contemplate my own. He begged me to leave. If I stayed with him he would end up hurting me... and I thought "No... regardless of awaits me outside, if I leave you now that's what you'll become..." Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe whatever good is in him is strong enough to withstand the weight of what they are making him do... but I can't do that. I don't want to see that first man I met disappear. The one who stopped bloodshed without even drawing his sword... the one who brought a witness to murder back to safety rather than silencing her or leaving her unguarded on the street. And if I leave him now that is what will happen. Himura-san will disappear and all that will be left will be Battousai.
If the plot I became a part of was to kill Battousai... maybe this is the same? Not to kill the murderer but to save the man behind him? I don't know... But I refuse to leave him to be swallowed whole by Choshuu's 'madness'. If he is only seen as a sword by the others then I will be its sheath.
Someone has to.