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Himura Tomoe
I Am Only One
Memories fade into the silence
Haunting me tonight
With hope's last breath I take this moment in
It will be the last
Then morning breaks
And sunlight takes the pain away
Ever after never came
And I'm still waiting
For a life that never was
And all the dreams I lay to rest
Are ghosts that keep me
After all that I've become
I am only one
I am only one
I close my eyes and bleed this empty heart
Of all that longs to die
When faces lie and love will falter
I'm left with only time
And time will break
The dreams that take the pain away
Ever after never came
And I'm still waiting
For a love I'll never have
And all the dreams I lay to rest
Are ghosts that keep me
After all that I've become
I am only one
I am only one
I'm on my own here
And no one's left to be the hero of
This fairy tale gone wrong
As night will fall
My heart will die alone
Ever after never came
And I'm still waiting
For my heart to beat again
And all the dreams I've laid to rest
Are ghosts that keep me
After all that I've become
I am only one
I am only one
I am only one
no subject
Date: 2020-05-19 08:18 am (UTC)Souji,
I apologize that I did not reply sooner, but I can't bear the informality of such words cast across those devices, and yet to speak in person my words too often fail me. Even now I am uncertain in what to say in return as most anything somehow seems cheap in reply to such heartfelt sentiment.
I love you--and what's more, I can see having a life with you, even here. It is the few connections that I have made here that have helped me survive this place. But I am tired of just surviving... I have just been surviving for over a decade. I want to find a way to live, to not just survive. In order to do that I think I do need to change, but ultimately that change must be for myself, not for anyone else. At least, I think that is what you mean by "moving on"? I want to be happy. I want to be able to smile. I want... to actually want to be alive. I don't want to be lost in the darkness anymore.
Back in December someone suggested that I get help when that darkness became visible. I finally sought out a doctor in January, one who specializes in "mental health". I did not tell you because I was uncertain of what it entailed or if it was anything of substance... and perhaps I was ashamed as well. As many times as I have said that there is something wrong with me, to actually take action in regard to it makes it real. At times I am still unsure, but I think it is a step forward at least. It is helping me to understand what that darkness is, and in turn helping me find a way out of it.
You say that I am the light in your darkness--and I can say the same for you. Every person I have become close to is. As you said, my reasons to continue on. But you shine brighter now, because you've become so close... But that is a double edged blade as well--because when your light is there I can see the way out. I've felt the beginning of all those things... and twice now that light has been abruptly taken away from me... and when that has happened I've been swallowed so quickly and so completely that I almost drowned.
Souji, what I am about to write is difficult for me. I have spent years hiding my pain to project a strength that isn't really here. I don't want to be seen as weak, but if we are to have any sort of chance together then I can't continue to do that. I'm not well, and it goes back long before Duplicity or even Kyoto. Probably back to my mother's death.
In December, when you left I lost myself. Perhaps it wouldn't have been so severe if Vash hadn't withdrawn from me at the same time, or maybe I purposefully pushed him away just as much as he did me. Maybe if it hadn't been December... but the combination... was... almost fatal for me. Between getting my memory of Kiyosatto back, and then having not one but both people I loved turn away from me... all culminating just before the first anniversary of my death... I honestly believe the only reason I'm still here is the simple impermanence of death in this place... Suicide is pointless here because they will simply bring us back... over and over. It didn't stop me from contemplating it though. I can't remember that night very well. I can't remember any of it very well, I spent almost the entire time you were gone so drunk I could barely stand.
I died on the eve of the new year in our world, and almost again here. I was ready to throw myself off the roof of the Dominant building. I thought maybe if the damage was too great maybe they wouldn't be able to piece me back together again. All I could think was how I destroyed everything I touched. Kiyosatto. Kenshin. You. And anger over the fact that it had finally been over... that I had died happy, and LIEs had stolen that from me. That I was tired... and just wanted it to be over again. Azwel-san was the one who got me off the roof. I remember calling him while standing up there on the rail, because I knew he would understand in a way that... living wouldn't. I don't know if I would have jumped if he didn't come for me or not. I blacked out entirely after he got me back inside the building. You would need to ask him if anything else happened that night. I made the decision to contact Doctor Lector the next day.
In March... it was much the same. I blamed myself for everything. Saw myself as the problem. I didn't drown myself in alcohol, but I stopped eating without realizing it. I never actively tried to harm myself, but the thoughts were there everyday. I couldn't bring myself to seek someone out to fill quota... I couldn't bring myself to sleep with someone I didn't have feelings for. It was what lead to my first SLUT treatment. I think you have wondered about my partners and this is the truth of it: outside of the city's meddling I have only willingly slept with three people in my life: my husband, Vash, and you. You are the only ones I have made love to--who I have actually wanted. I just... couldn't bring myself to simply whore myself out...
Or maybe I subconsciously wanted to be harmed...
Sometimes I think the SLUT treatments are designed to amplify the reason we've failed quota... to distort it to the point that we will not do it again. I've only seen three... my two... and one of Vash's... The first time I failed because I refused to approach anyone... and they forced me to seek out two partners at once. This time... this time they made me seek punishment... It was so much worse this time... Before they just drugged me and released me again. This time... they gave me to someone first... I can't... I still can't bring myself to repeat the things he did to me...
I didn't intend to write about this, and a part of me wants to rip up these pages and start again, but I'm not going to. As much as this rift was caused by your insecurity it's also been caused by how closed off I am. I can't expect you to understand something if I don't speak of it.
This is what I meant when I said I need to know that I can lean on you. I need to know that you will not abandon me again, physically or emotionally. I need you to believe in me--to believe in that love that has no form for you to see... I want to get better, and I need stable support to do that.
I love you, Souji. Nothing will change that. Even if you decide that all of this is too much I will understand. It isn't easy loving someone who doesn't love herself.
I hope we will talk in person again soon. I miss you.
~Tomoe